


Tears of a Lone Wolf: Fen'Harel's Redemption

by ganaganah



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Emotional Hurt, F/M, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Pain, Sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-22
Updated: 2015-01-10
Packaged: 2018-03-02 20:26:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 17,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2825087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ganaganah/pseuds/ganaganah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>*Endgame Spoilers*<br/>It has been five years since a guilt-ridden Solas left Elessa Lavellan.  One day her sudden pain draws him to her in the fade.  He learns that he is a father and that she has been mortally wounded.  As she dies, he embarks on a new journey to find salvation, his resolution to never fail her again.  Can he ever forgive himself?  Will he find redemption?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Day the World Shattered

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Solas encounters Elessa in the fade, where he learns that she is dying and he has a son. He says goodbye to her and is devastated.

It had been just over five years since Solas last saw Elessa Lavellan. Though he could find her easily in the fade, he had refused to visit her dreams ever since the day he turned his back on her, shattering two hearts in its wake. Though he worried constantly for her well-being, visiting her in the fade was not appropriate. He had betrayed her, and this was his punishment - to walk alone in shame and solitude, wondering what could have been. He endured. 

And for what, he asked himself regularly. He was no closer to freeing his kin than he had been when he had left her. She was still the most precious thing in the world to him, so why had he not gone back? His resolve had faltered many times in the years since he had left. His heart ached with longing for her, and each time he settled on his decision to return to her, he stopped. It was too late, he told himself. She could never forgive him for what he did - for who he was. He did not deserve her love. 

He was originally the teacher who Elessa had sought for wisdom, friendship, and stories of days long past. The cruel irony of it all was that in the end, it was she who had become his teacher. She had cultivated feelings of trust and hope that he had never known existed. By loving him wholly and honestly, she had taught him to love with every fiber of his being, and in doing so, his heart was bound to her forever. He had abandoned her, and he carried his shame through life like an injured animal with an arrow through its heart. 

One winter day while wandering the fade, he sensed overwhelming distress coming from her, the likes of which he had never seen. It was as if her pain was in the process of fracturing the veil itself, ripping the seams separating the waking world from the fade. This was something dangerous. He needed to get to her to make sure that she was alright. 

He found her in an ancient ruin in the Exalted Plains. It was the place where they had first made love so many years ago. In an instant he stood in front of her and put up a quick ward to isolate them from spirits. No more hiding. No more secrets. He was ready to lay his conscience bare before her and face his punishment. 

As he appeared, she looked up at him, her eyes already filled to the brim with tears. She ran towards him eagerly. There was no anger or distrust. It was as if he had never wronged her - as if everything he had done to her had been a dream. As he hung his head in shame and began to weep, she embraced him and cradled his head against her chest. Solas sobbed like a child in her arms. 

Finally she reached down to his chin and brought it up to face hers. "Solas, emma lath (my love)," she uttered before breaking down into tears. At the sound of her voice, the dying fire in his heart was suddenly rekindled. All of the longing, the love, and the hope that he had pushed aside over the last five years resurfaced, and his resolve to return to her was reawakened. This time he was going to spend the rest of his life with her no matter what the consequences. He didn't care if the heavens fell down on top of him. 

He held her in his arms until she finally found the words between tears. Her eyes were filled with urgency as she said, "Solas, I don't have much time. I will be dead shortly." And with those words, his heart sank and his world shattered. His insides felt as if they were being torn apart. He cried, "What do you mean you're dying? Where are you?" He focused enough that he could sense her spirit's hold in the world deteriorating, but even then, he refused to accept it.

She watched him intently and grasped both hands around the base of his neck before calmly saying, "What I am about to tell you is a lot to take in, and I need you to be strong until I finish. Do you think you can do that, Lethallin?" Solas didn't want to accept what she was about to tell him. He needed to get to her NOW, at all costs. He screamed, "Please vhenan, tell me where you are. I can leave right now. I can fix this. I can.." As he looked at her calm, loving demeanor, he realized that no matter where she was, he would never get to her in time. He accepted her fate. A new barrage of tears streamed down his face as he sunk to his knees and bawled uncontrollably. 

He instantly felt the brief sting of a slap across his face, and it jarred him back to attention. She gently grasped his hands and pulled him to his feet as she once again pleaded, "I cannot be saved, and you need to hear this. I beg you, my love." He nodded his head in compliance as he continued to sob. Elessa continued. "After Corypheus fell, the Venatori still hunted me. Their assassination attempts got much worse after I gave birth to our son." Upon hearing that he had a son, Solas' head filled with confusion and his eyes widened as they searched hers for answers. 

Solas stared vacantly at her, as if his mind couldn't grasp the idea. He was in shock. The realization that he had left her pregnant AND alone, yet another strike on the list of horrible things that he had done, was almost too much to bear. She secured both hands over his cheeks to ground him. "For the sake of our son," she urged. "you need to hear this," she once again pleaded. Solas answered with another nod, which was all he could bring himself to do through his tears. "I have often questioned your identity, and I have a very good idea of who you are," she stated. 

"As you might have guessed, our child is very special," she continued. "His magic manifested shortly after birth, and once this fact became known, it made him a target for assassinations and kidnappings. You should also know that he has two forms." Upon hearing this, Solas didn't have to guess what the other form was. He already knew. His tears subsided briefly. 

Solas looked up as he questioned, "What is our son's name, vhenan?" Elessa smiled affectionately and answered, "His birth name is Elgar'nehn (Spirit of joy), but I have called him Da'Fen (little wolf) for years, and that is what he recognizes." Solas briefly smiled upon hearing this before going back to quietly sobbing. 

She finally grabbed both of his hands as her tears began falling more rapidly. She just barely got the words out as she looked desperately into his eyes and begged, "Solas, If you still love me... if you ever loved me, I need you to protect him. Please... Raise him as your son and fill his heart with love. Raise him to be a good man and tell him how much I loved you both. Please promise me, Solas," she cried as she buried her face in his chest. 

He could see that her spirit was beginning to flicker, as if the source of her innermost light was being slowly extinguished, and it filled him with dread. He steadied himself over her shoulders as he looked into her eyes with regret and exclaimed, "How can I be all those things for our son when I am a horrible person who was never worthy of your love to begin with? I wanted to tell you all this time, but I am a coward. My real name is Fen'Harel. The orb was mine, and everything that happened was my fault. I'm so sorry," he sobbed, almost uncontrollably. He sniveled as he continued, "And now you know that I am the great betrayer, the enemy to our people, and the person who broke your heart and left you preg..." 

He didn't get to finish his sentence before she interrupted him. Elessa wrapped her arms around his neck as she gazed into his eyes with a look of pure love and understanding. She gently kissed his forehead and then his lips as she declared, "I don't care what the Dalish said about you. They were wrong. You are a good person who made a few mistakes. Bad things happened that you never intended, and you have carried that burden with you all these years. Though I'll never understand why, I know that you left me because you felt you had no other choice. I forgave you years ago emma lath, (my love). Please just promise me that you will take care of our son." 

Solas sobbed at the realization that she had known his identity all this time and was likely the one person in the world who understood him - understood his shame. "Ma'arlath, ma vhenan (I love you, my heart)," he whimpered softly. "I promise that I will do my best to raise our son," he sniffled as he held her tight in his grasp. Her spirit was slowly fading before his eyes, and he desperately wanted to cling to every moment that they had left. 

As she began to flicker more rapidly, Solas screamed desperately, "Please don't leave me, vhenan! I can't live without you!" She gently smiled to him as she looked deep into his gaze and said apologetically, "I would spend a thousand lifetimes with you if I could, ma' sa'lath (my one true love). I have one final request. You must find a way to forgive yourself as I have forgiven you. For our son and for your own salvation. Stop trying to fix the past and look towards the future. I love you more than words can describe, Fen'Harel. I have always loved you." 

Solas was crying so much at this point that he couldn't speak. As he nodded in affirmation, Alessa gently touched her lips to his. They held each other tightly as they kissed, salty tears cascading down their faces and into their mouths. They continued to weep together, their tongues intertwined in one last desperate act as they took in every ounce of each others' love. In the blink of an eye, she was gone. Elessa had vanished before his eyes. He could still taste her and smell her scent - elfroot and jasmine, as it had always been years ago. 

Once again, he was alone. The realization of her death suddenly sank in. His knees buckled as he crumpled to the ground in despair and let out a series of heart-wrenching screams. He hyperventilated as his body folded into a fetal position, gasping for breath between desperate screeches. He had never felt such excruciating pain, and he laid there weeping on the ground, writhing in anguish for what felt like hours. 

He could have gone back at any time, but he didn't. They could have raised their child together had he gone back sooner, but he didn't. Most importantly, he could have kept them both safe, but he didn't. This was his fault too. His arrogance and his failures had cost him the one thing he cared about above everything else. As he agonized over his poor decisions, he desperately wanted to follow her to wherever her spirit had gone and drag her back. If only he could die in her place. 

As Fen'Harel stood up and forced himself to awaken back into the real world, he made one final resolution. On that day he vowed to never fail her again. He would find their son and protect him as Elessa had requested. Though it terrified him to no end, he would learn how to be a proper father and raise Da'Fen in a way that would make his vhenan proud. He questioned if he would ever be able to forgive himself, but as it was her dying request, he was going to do his best. This would be his final attempt at redemption.


	2. A Spirit Broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Solas returns to skyhold and encounters some of his old acquaintances. Broken and defeated, he is led to Elessa's casket and has the opportunity to say his final goodbye. He also meets his son for the first time.

Every village Solas visited was abuzz with news of the Herald's death. The whole world seemed to be mourning her passing. When he could bring himself to ask people what had happened, everyone seemed to have a different theory regarding the circumstances of her death, ranging from assassination, to being pushed from a tower, to it being an inside job orchestrated by her closest advisors. He would have to reach Skyhold to learn the truth. 

The trip had only lasted two days, and he was escorted into the main courtyard by an old guard who had recognized him. His heartbeat fluttered in nervous anxiety as he ascended the steps towards the main hall. As he sauntered inside, he was greeted by Varric, who had been conversing with Iron Bull. "Welcome back, Chuckles," the dwarf stated rather joylessly. "You'll have to pardon my lack of enthusiasm. It's been a rough week," he added with a frown. Iron Bull looked at him and simply nodded with a grunt. Solas nodded in return as he approached the door to his old rotunda. 

"I'll show you to your room," said a crisp, authoritative voice. It was Commander Cullen. Solas didn't say a word. He simply bowed his head and followed, surprised that he was being led to Alessa's chambers rather than his previous quarters. As they reached the door to her room, Cullen spoke again. "I'll leave you to get settled in and will send somebody for you in an hour. I figure you will want to say your final goodbyes to her in private, away from prying eyes," the commander said gloomily. "The public funeral will take place tomorrow morning," he added as he turned to leave.

Before Cullen could take a step towards the door, Solas gently grasped his hand and questioned, "How?" Solas noticed Cullen's eyes sink as he started to speak, "An assassin posed as a foreign dignitary to gain access to the main hall. As she extended her hand to shake Elessa's, she twisted a serrated blade between Elessa's ribs. Elessa killed her instantly, but the damage was already done. It was a poison that we've never encountered, and it negated any magical or medicinal attempts to clot the wound. She bled to death in a little less than two days." Cullen said quietly before exiting.

Two days... Solas thought dejectedly as he buried his face in his hands and took a deep breath. He turned it over in his head repeatedly. How much pain had she endured as her blood was slowly escaping her body, leaving her colder and weaker with each passing breath? She of all people did not deserve such an ending, he grimaced. Though he was in great pain, tears wouldn't come. He had cried almost endlessly over the past two days. His well was dry for the moment.

Both Varric and Cullen had been unusually tolerant and accepting. Bull didn't say anything either. Their behavior wasn't rational, Solas thought. He expected to be greeted with animosity and loathing, and in the case of Sera, Iron Bull, and Dorian, physical violence. Elessa must have told his former acquaintances something for them to act this way. 

As Solas glanced across the room, he noticed that not much had changed. The only thing that was different was the addition of shelves full of toys and children's books against a once empty wall. He wondered if his son would accept him. He was apprehensive, as he had never spent much time around children. He didn't know how to be a father, and the thought of letting down Elessa or his son scared him. 

He opened the doors to the balcony and walked outside as he inhaled the familiar cold mountain air. A brief smile graced his face as memories flashed before his eyes of warm summer nights spent outside on that same balcony talking under the stars. How many nights had he carried her to bed after she had fallen asleep out there, sometimes mid-sentence? How many times had he laid with her in that bed lightheartedly exchanging stories with her? 

His reminiscing was suddenly interrupted by a knock at the door. "Come in," Solas announced, assuming that it was Cullen's escort. To his surprise, it was Dorian. Of all people, why him, thought Solas. He and Dorian had never gotten along well. Dorian was Elessa's best friend, and the Tevinter would often tease him about his clothing or try to incite childish arguments. Everything always seemed like a competition with him. 

As Dorian came in, Solas bowed his head without saying a word. "Nothing to say," Dorian questioned nonchalantly. The two sat in silence for a few minutes before Dorian finally shoved Solas' shoulder angrily with one hand and said, "Five years! Five fucking years, and you don't have a thing to say? Do you have any idea what you did to her?!?" Solas looked up at him gloomily. As his barren eyes met Dorian's, he was greeted with a hard punch to the face that whipped his head around and sent him staggering backwards. Solas slowly looked up to face him again, blood seeping out of the fresh cut on the side of his mouth. Solas appeared almost completely devoid of emotion as Dorian yelled, "Say something, asshole," and slammed both of his hands into Solas' shoulders, sending him falling backwards against the hard stone wall.

Solas didn't care how much Dorian hit him. In his mind, anything her friends did to him, up to and including killing him was justified. He sat slumped against the wall with his head down for a few seconds before finally uttering, "Thank you," which earned a puzzled expression on Dorian's face. "I do not know what Elessa told everybody, but you are the first person to dignify my presence with any real emotion. I deserve this and so much worse," Solas commented sorrowfully. 

Everything that Dorian remembered about Solas' poise was gone - that obnoxious half smile he always wore when talking to Elessa, the perfectly straight, confident posture, the look of arrogance and condescension always permeating his stupid, smug face. His eyes were sullen and vacant. The man who stood before him was completely broken, and Dorian instantly regretted breaking his promise to Elessa. Dorian reached out both hands apologetically as he pulled Solas to his feet and handed him a handkerchief to clean the blood off of his mouth. "I'll take you to see her," he said blankly.

Elessa's casket was in the large room next to the throne area, in the blacksmith's shop. Dorian escorted him into the room but stayed in the doorway respectfully. Running herds of halla had been intricately carved along the sides of the wood, no doubt the work of a very talented elven woodworker. The sides were adorned with elegant white diamonds. 

Solas' heart suddenly felt as if it would stop as he laid eyes on his lovely Elessa - his vhenan. She was just as beautiful now as the day he fell in love with her, only now she was slightly thinner, her cheeks more gaunt, and her once vibrant complexion had faded in death. He lowered his hand to her cold forehead and lightly traced the blank space where her vallaslin had once been. As he brushed her hair behind her ears, as he had always done, tears flowed freely as he reflected on their final moments in the fade. 

His heart cried out for her as he whimpered, "You are and always have been my one true love. I am lost, ma vhenan, and I do not know how to live without you. I do not wish to live without you." His tears increased steadily as he blubbered, "I have not forgotten my promise to you, and I will do my best to raise our son and make you proud," he sobbed as he placed her left hand into his hands. The mark covering her hand from the anchor was still there, the magic long gone - another reminder of his mistakes. 

He broke down completely, barely able to breathe, as he cried out, "I don't know if I can honor your last wish. How can I ever forgive myself? Nothing I do will ever fix this or make me feel worthy of love again." He kissed her hand over the anchor as he bawled against her for several minutes. Dorian's eyes welled up with tears upon seeing Solas' devastation and hearing his demoralized words. He never would have guessed that Solas could feel such pain. He covered his face with his sleeve as he wiped his eyes and turned towards the wall.

Finally Solas bent down and cradled her head in his right arm. He kissed her forehead and then her lips, tears rolling down his face and landing on hers. "Ma'arlath, ma' sa'lath (I love you, my one true love)," he lamented as he held her. How he wished that this was a sick, cruel joke being played on him as punishment for his actions. How he hoped against all odds that she would spring to life and return his kisses. He pressed his forehead to hers as he cradled her upper torso in his arms and slowly rocked. 

Suddenly he felt a sharp and sudden pain radiating all the way around his left forearm as if he were caught in a bear trap. He looked down to see a white wolf cub firmly attached to his arm and trying to drag him backwards. He knew who it was but didn't know how to react, so he endured the sharp pain from his son's teeth and allowed the cub to gnaw on his arm. Cassandra immediately sprinted in after him and screamed, "Da'Fen! Release him this instant!" To her horror, the cub didn't relent and bit down even harder around Solas' arm. A stream of blood was now running steadily down the arm and dripping onto the floor. "NOW," she shouted as she approached them both. 

The child hesitated a few more seconds and then relinquished his grip as he transformed back into a human. Solas ignored the pain from his bloody arm and tucked it behind his back, not wanting to scare the child. As Solas looked at Da'Fen for the first time, he saw many striking resemblances to Elessa. His son possessed her bright blue-green eyes, her chestnut-colored hair, and her mouth. He also had Solas' ears, nose, and forehead. Da'Fen was a beautiful child, and Solas smiled at him through the pain, tears still in his eyes.

"Come here, Da'Fen," Cassandra ordered as she apologized to Solas. "But Aunty Cass," the child protested. "That man tried to take Mamae away from her new bed! She needs her sleep so she can play with me and read me stories." Solas' heart sank, and he began to weep again. Of course a four year old would not understand the permanence of death, he thought. Solas looked towards Cassandra and Dorian, and both of them were overwhelmed with tears and in the same grief-stricken State. 

Da'Fen looked up at Solas and growled sternly, "I'm sorry I made you cry, but you need to leave Mamae in her bed!" If you don't, I'll bite you." Solas couldn't help but notice that his son had inherited that same tenacious and unbreakable personality that Elessa had. No matter how difficult the path that lay in front of her, no matter how bad the odds, she seemed incapable of giving up. It was one of many things that he adored in her.

Solas held back tears as he nodded to his son and said in a soft voice, "I apologize, Da'len. My name is Fen'Harel." He extended his hand as he smiled to Da'Fen, who cautiously shook it and then skipped back towards Cassandra to take her hand. Cassandra led the child out of the room and left Dorian and Solas to grieve in peace. 

Once they were gone, Solas looked at Alessa and said, "He's beautiful, vhenan." He began to weep again and draped his right arm over his face. His left arm hung down at his side, blood still dripping down his hand and pooling on the floor. He needed medical attention, but he didn't want to be separated from Elessa, so he completely ignored it. 

Dorian slowly approached the casket. Without a word, he reached across Solas' neck and rested his hand on his shoulder as he pulled him into a hug. Though it confused him at first, Solas submitted. As Dorian embraced him, Solas tucked his face into Dorian's shoulder, wailing hysterically until he felt there was nothing left to let out. The release was truly freeing, as if thousands of years of grief had manifested in that single moment. 

For the first time since Elessa died, Solas felt truly comforted. For the first time in years, Solas felt as if he wasn't alone. Dorian was the last person who Solas would expect to give him support, yet there he was, engaged in the single most compassionate gesture that anyone outside of Elessa had ever shown him. Dorian waited several minutes for Solas to regain his composure before finally saying, "Let's get you cleaned up." He took Solas' hand and led him out of the room.


	3. Thoughts on Memories and Futures

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Solas has a conversation with Leliana and visits the fade. He decides that he will eventually show his son the truth.

The wound on Solas' arm was much worse than he had originally suspected, and Solas was the only one on the premises capable of using advanced healing magic. Since two hands were necessary, Dorian left him with Leliana, as she was well-versed in battlefield triage. 

“This is by far the worst injury I have ever seen Da'Fen inflict. He must have been very determined,” said a surprised Leliana. “Did he also punch you,” she gasped upon seeing the sizable bruise on his cheek and the cut on his mouth. 

Solas answered rather unceremoniously, “My face is an unrelated incident. As for the bite, I really do not blame him. He thought I was attacking his mother and was quite justified in his actions.” If only his son knew the half of it, he thought despondently. He would have done much worse.

Leliana began stitching his arm as she commented, “He doesn't know how to accept his mother's death and has been acting out. Cassandra indulges him because he needs to get through the next few days without his emotions spiking out of control.” She paused pensively for a moment and then added, “The issue will eventually come to a head, and your son will have to deal with his feelings and accept what has happened in order to move on.”

Solas was still struggling to accept what had happened and was nowhere near being able to move on himself. Asking a four year old to struggle similarly seemed excessively cruel. It was easier for Da'Fen to pretend that his mother would wake up and that everything would return to as it had been. At least his son was still able to smile, unlike his father, who had buried himself at the bottom of a hole of guilt and despair so deep that he had no idea how to reach the surface. “Perhaps he is better off for the time being,” said Solas with a sigh.

Leliana caught a glimpse of Solas' barren, hopeless expression as he slouched his shoulders and shifted his attention towards the ground. Everything about his attitude and body language made him seem as if he was a ghost of his former self. Maybe Elessa had been correct about everything, Leliana smiled. Maybe Solas really had been collapsing under the weight of his own guilt and decisions for years, as had been suggested. 

Before her death, Elessa informed her closest companions of Solas' true identity and explained the circumstances surrounding his legend. She also pleaded that they all forgive him and help him to raise their son. 

At the time, Leliana thought her to be naive and unable to see him for what everyone else saw – an arrogant and manipulative self-centered liar. Leliana had doubted that he would ever come back, but here he was – completely broken and devoid of happiness. Perhaps Elessa was able to understand him even better than he understood himself. 

“Can I ask you a question,” Solas finally requested after a few minutes of silence. “Of course,” Leliana responded, happy that he had decided to take some sort of initiative. “Who now protects Da'Fen in the fade,” he questioned. Leliana thought about it for a bit and then responded, “After the tragedy, he began staying with Cassandra and Cullen. As to how they protect him, I'm really not sure, but I have no doubt that those two are the best option at the moment,” she stated.

Solas assumed that Cassandra and Cullen were limiting his son's magical talents during sleep. This was a short-term solution because being cut off from the fade for an extended period of time was detrimental, especially for a developing mage. Surly Cassandra and Cullen were incredibly sleep-deprived by now, Solas thought as he realized that he would eventually need to help his son as Elessa had.

It took twenty-two stitches to close the wound. “That will definitely leave a scar,” sighed Leliana as she frowned at her handiwork and applied a bandage. “When Vivienne comes for the funeral tomorrow, I'll ask her to heal it properly,” she added. Solas thanked her and said, “It is quite alright. I have troubled you enough.” He really didn't care about a scar and would rather not burden anybody else.

It was getting late, and Solas stopped by Elessa's casket to say one final goodbye before retiring to her old quarters. His heart ached, and he felt sick to his stomach, so he wandered out onto the balcony for some fresh air. Cold gusts of wind swirled across his face and bit at the sides of his mouth and cheek where Dorian had punched him. The dull physical pain from the wound was a good diversion from the more severe pain deep within his heart, and Solas welcomed it as one would welcome an old friend.

He soon found himself curled up on the floor in a corner of her closet underneath various robes and armors. Solas had fond memories of slipping his hands idly between folds of clothing and exchanging loving glances with her as they traveled from one place to another. Elessa's clothes still smelled like her – jasmine and elfroot, and because of this, it was a smell that he would cherish for the rest of his life.

He was soon fast asleep and in the fade, once again conjuring up a memory of Elessa, as he had done each night since her death. This time it was their first kiss. He would participate, and the memory would play before him like a record. Elessa would ask the same questions, reach in for the first kiss, and be surprised when she found out that they were in the fade. It would always be the same, never deviating from its original path or adding new interactions. Always predictable. 

His memories were like cruel double-edged swords: On one hand, he would feel temporarily comforted by the little things on which he had honed in at the time – a loving glance during a rain storm, a gentle hand brushing seductively across his back, or a slight inflection of her voice during a laugh. There were fleeting moments where he could once again smile or where he could look back and be reminded of a time when he was genuinely happy; however, a memory is nothing more than a skewed perception of a frozen moment in time – always HIS perception, like having one side of an equation and never being able to solve it.

There were always little things missing in memories that betrayed the truth – little reminders that his perception did not necessarily reflect reality. Perhaps he wasn't paying attention to the way she looked at him, or spoke, or the way that she walked on a particular day when a memory was forged. His mind would automatically fill in the blanks, sometimes producing incongruous errors, like hair blowing in a breeze on a day that lacked wind or a grin in a solemn moment of tragedy. 

These tiny incomplete fragments of truth were all he had left of her, and they would forever remain erroneous and unchanged. Reliving memories never satiated his appetite for her, and he always woke up alone, sadder, and wanting more – wanting her. 

Solas began to wonder if his son would remember much about his mother as he moves through life. How much could a four year old retain, if anything? He began to cry for the loss of unforged memories that his son would never experience because his mother had been taken away too soon. 

Solas decided that he would eventually bring Da'Fen through some of his fondest personal memories of her once he is old enough. He would also bring him through the more painful ones – the ones that exposed his mistakes, his arrogance, and his shame. There would be no secrets between father and son because he did not want his son to repeat his mistakes. He wanted him to become someone better than his father.


	4. Familiarization

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Solas has a conversation with Cassandra and gets the opportunity to spend some time with Da'Fen. Leliana eventually joins the conversation.

Solas woke up enveloped in sadness once again. This routine was becoming a habit, and he scolded himself for visiting his happiest memories of her each night. He was always left unfulfilled, empty, and wanting more, yet he couldn't stop. 

He likened it to lyrium addiction. He was willing to hurt himself time and time again for those brief fixes of smiles, laughs, and kisses, despite the fact that what he was doing would only prolong his suffering. One more night, he told himself as he inhaled deeply – elfroot and jasmine.

There was a sudden knock at the door. Solas unlatched the lock and ushered Cassandra and Da'Fen into the quarters. “May I have a moment,” she requested as Da'Fen happily scampered across the room towards his toys. “Of course,” Solas replied. Cassandra opened the doors to the balcony and motioned for him to follow.

“I came to ask your intentions with regards to Da'Fen, Solas. The fact that you're here leads me to believe that Elessa found you in her final moments,” Cassandra stated bluntly. Solas glanced at the seeker and replied, “I understand, but before I answer your question, do you mind telling me what Elessa last told you?”

“I wasn't planning on divulging this,” the seeker said, “But since you asked, I will respond honestly. Before she died, Elessa told us your real identity and tried to explain the weight that your name carries. I did not understand how she could still love you so much, but her dying request was that we try to forgive you and do our best to help you to raise and protect Da'Fen if and when you return.”

Cassandra closed her eyes briefly and then looked up at Solas as she let out a long, audible sigh. Solas noticed the dark circles under her eyes – signs that she wasn't sleeping much, likely because she was acting as a full time nanny and bodyguard in addition to her other duties. He would need to thank her at some point for her dedication, Solas admitted. 

Her eyes also conveyed a great deal of sadness, and Solas could tell that she was holding back information. “Please continue,” he requested quietly. “It might be hard to swallow,” she remarked as she glanced up at him questioningly. Solas nodded for her to continue.

“Cullen told me he filled you in on the overall details, but what he didn't mention was how torturous it was to watch her suffer over those two days, powerless to do anything to help her or to ease her suffering. When she was within hours of dying, Elessa took a powerful sleeping potion so that she could find you one last time without the excruciating pain ripping her from her dreams.” 

Cassandra's eyes were brimming with tears as she continued, “During the last twelve hours it was awful for her. Though she shook uncontrollably and could barely speak through the agony, Elessa still smiled at us in reassurance. She was especially worried about Dorian and asked me to keep an eye on him after she passed.” Cassandra wiped fresh tears from her eyes. “Even in the face of anguish and imminent death, she still put others' feelings above her own. How typical of her,” she chuckled joylessly. 

The realization of her pain over those two days compounded by the resurgence of his memories sent tears tumbling rapidly down Solas' cheeks. He crossed his arms underneath his face and leaned over the balcony as he reminisced. 

Elessa had empathized with others so easily. She had been kicked around and had experienced the cruelty of the world first-hand, yet she remained unusually kind in a way that only someone in her position could be. She put her neck out to save Blackwall and was the first to forgive him when she learned his dark secrets. She had almost instantly befriended Dorian, even though his people had enslaved and murdered elves for thousands of years. Though she had more reason than anybody to hate him, she even found a way to forgive the dread wolf. 

Solas took a few long breaths to calm down as he remembered Cassandra's original request. “My intention is to do my best to raise Da'Fen in a way that will make Elessa proud,” he announced. “I do not expect forgiveness for my actions, and I do not intend for you to suffer my presence much longer, but with regards to my son, I will stay as long as is needed for him to grieve.”

Cassandra placed a hand on Solas' shoulder as she spoke sincerely. “You are quite welcome to stay as long as you like, and while I don't know much about raising children, I will answer any questions that you might have to the best of my abilities.” Solas smiled gratefully. As she turned to head back into the room, she asked if he would like to spend some time getting to know Da'Fen. Solas nodded timidly and followed her back inside.

His son was playing with three wooden horse figurines when Solas sat down cross-legged next to him. “You're the man from yesterday. Your name means 'wolf,' too,” Da'Fen said cheerfully as he handed Solas one of the horses. Solas examined the craftsmanship of the toy and wondered how the child could be so cheerful at such a time. “Indeed,” said Solas as he moved the horse realistically across the ground next to Da'Fen's two horses, earning the child's approval.

Da'Fen stopped suddenly and looked up at Solas with a confident smirk as he commented, “Did you know that my father is the king of the wolves?” Solas was completely shocked by the statement and didn't know what to say. He didn't want to lie, but he also didn't want his son to be shocked by his identity with the funeral just hours away. He said nothing but couldn't control the wide grin of approval blanketing his face. When was the last time he had smiled like that, he wondered.

Solas decided to change the subject. “Of all of your toys, which one is your favorite, Da'len,” he questioned, expecting his son to pick out a toy and show him. “They're in Aunty Cass' and Uncle Cullen's room,” Da'Fen answered promptly. “But I can show you later if you want,” he offered enthusiastically. “I would like that,” replied Solas with a smile as he continued to move the horses around the floor with his son.

Children were amused by such simple things, Solas thought. How nice it must be not to have the weight of the world and a lifetime of mistakes and regret looming over you, eating away every bit of happiness and taking away everything that mattered. Solas couldn't remember when he was that young and wondered if he had been as pure and carefree. 

“What happened to your face,” Da'Fen asked suddenly. Solas touched the cut along his mouth and realized that he had completely forgotten to heal it. “I ran into something,” he replied vaguely, deciding that his answer was more of an omission than a lie, since he technically ran into Dorian's fist... with his face. His son didn't press the issue, so they continued playing with the horses until another knock at the door interrupted them. 

“Come in,” Solas shouted. It was Leliana. “I came to check on your arm and to discuss something with you and Cassandra,” Leliana announced. Solas got up from his position, apologized to his son for leaving, and followed the two women out onto the balcony.

Solas pulled up his sleeve and took off the bandage while Leliana examined it. “I can't believe he did that,” gasped Cassandra in astonishment. “Leliana said the exact same thing last night,” Solas chuckled as Leliana put a new bandage over the wound, pleased that there were no signs of infection. 

“How often does he change form,” Solas asked Cassandra, who considered the question before replying. “He was taught not to change in front of people, but he's been doing it often in the past few days because his emotions have been volatile. He tends to turn into a wolf whenever he feels hurt or threatened, and I don't believe he can control it too well.” 

“I see,” Solas responded casually to Cassandra, who immediately flipped the question back to him by asking if he could change into a wolf as well. “Yes, I am perfectly capable, but I rarely utilize it,” he answered frankly. 

Solas could remember a time when he was exactly the same way as his son. Whenever he had been endangered in the past, he would often change forms, and now that he had regained a great deal of power, his wolf form was extremely lethal. 

“That reminds me,” Leliana commented. “I believe it would be best if you continue to go by 'Solas' because I believe that if your true identity gets out, it might attract a lot of attention and put Da'Fen in greater danger.” Cassandra and Solas both nodded in agreement. 

“Exactly how many people know my identity,” he demanded. “As far as I know, Elessa told Cullen, Leliana, Dorian, Blackwall, Iron Bull, Varric, Josephine, Cole, and me," Cassandra answered. "She didn't tell Sera because of her intense fears regarding magic, and I don't believe she told anybody else.” 

“That's a lot of people,” Solas said as he shifted his feet uncomfortably. He was prepared to resume using his true name and face any and all consequences, but Leliana was right, and Solas did not want to endanger his son further. 

“Perhaps it was not the best idea that I introduced myself to my son as Fen'Harel yesterday,” Solas announced. He would need to have a chat with him later about the subject. “You're probably right, but he might not even remember it. I guess we can find out later,” presumed Cassandra. 

“I'll talk to the others about the name situation,” Leliana promised before changing the subject. “The main reason I am here is to discuss security,” she declared as she scanned Cassandra and then Solas. 

“In light of recent events and multiple failed kidnapping and assassination attempts, I want to make sure that Da'Fen is watched carefully. As the divine, I will be pressed with other responsibilities, but I assure you that all guards are on high alert,” Leliana asserted. 

She looked at Cassandra as she addressed her. “I assume that both you and Cullen will be expected to speak, so I want to make sure that anybody who is with Da'Fen knows to be extremely vigilant and to keep him away from the crowd.” 

Solas wondered how Leliana was able to perform her religious duties adequately while spending so much time as Skyhold's spymaster, a title he assumed she would have renounced long ago. “I will stay with him and will not let him out of my sight the entire time,” Solas vowed. “Additionally, we will keep him off to the side during the funeral,” pledged Cassandra. “I guess that brings our meeting to a conclusion then,” Leliana smiled before excusing herself to talk to the others.

Cassandra and Solas walked back inside. “We should get ready for the funeral,” Cassandra said as she walked towards Da'Fen. “Since you will be accompanying Da'Fen, would you like us to come get you when it's about to start,” she asked. “That would be greatly appreciated,” responded Solas graciously. 

Da'Fen put his horses back on his shelf and approached Solas. He smiled up at him as he said, “I had fun playing with you today. Can we play again later?” Once again Solas was smiling as he answered softly, “Feel free to come back any time, Da'len.” His son waved goodbye to him as he was escorted through the door by Cassandra. 

Solas had been terrified at the thought of raising his son, but he suddenly found himself smiling at the realization that he was looking forward to seeing him again. Da'Fen was a curiosity, and Solas wanted to know more about his life – more about how his mother had raised him. While he was still reticent and feared that he might not be a good enough father, he was glad that he had been given the opportunity. His son was precious, and Solas wanted to protect him and teach him, not out of obligation or duty, but out of paternal love.


	5. What You Leave Behind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's finally time for the funeral. As Elessa's life is celebrated, Dorian and Solas both struggle.

The time for the funeral had finally arrived, and Solas followed Cullen, Cassandra, and Da'Fen down the stairs and into the main hall, where the Inquisitor's throne had been temporarily replaced by the casket. There were many people therein who had come to pay their final respects to Elessa, and Solas recognized some of the people who the Inquisition had helped in the past, such as Empress Celine, Briala, and King Alistair. 

Varric, Blackwall, Josephine, Iron Bull, Sera, Vivienne, Morrigan, and Leliana all stood up front, between the crowd and Da'Fen, which was definitely a boon to the child's safety during the service led by Mother Giselle. Solas wished that Cole was there, but he understood perfectly well why the spirit had left Skyhold for that week. Though he wanted nothing more than to help people, the sadness saturating the atmosphere was just too cumbersome for him to bear. 

The entire Lavellan clan was in attendance as well, and Solas wondered if they had known that her vallaslin had been removed prior to the funeral. He remembered the day he had removed it as if it were yesterday, and it ranked among both his happiest and his saddest memories. What a strange dichotomy, he thought briefly as he looked around the room. 

Da'Fen held Cullen's hand, and the group of four joined Dorian off to the side, right outside of the door to Elessa's quarters. Dorian's eyes were red and stained from tears, evidence that he had said his final goodbyes. “Hi Uncle Dorian,” Da'Fen said eagerly. Though Dorian was heartbroken, he looked down and flashed a beautiful smile as he said hello to the child. 

Cullen used his free hand to steady a sheet of parchment that he had prepared for the occasion while Da'Fen tried to swing his arm out as far as possible, which distracted him from studying his speech. Cassandra stood behind Cullen and rubbed his shoulders in encouragement. 

Solas found himself wondering how long the couple had been together and if they had ever married. He was also curious about the circumstances surrounding them falling in love with each other, given that he knew them both to be rather shy, especially in matters of the heart. It wasn't really appropriate to ask at the time, so he tabled the idea for later. 

“Why are all these people here,” Da'Fen asked Cullen curiously. Though the question was straightforward, it was difficult for the commander to answer. Cullen was rather sensitive and wished that Cassandra would answer all of Da'Fens questions instead. Finally Cullen replied, hoping not to upset him, “Because your mother helped many people, and they are here to say goodbye.” 

Da'Fen watched people approach the casket and pay their final respects to his mother, then he looked up at Cassandra and asked, “Can I go see her, too?” The four adults looked at each other uncomfortably for a few seconds before Solas finally volunteered to take him. He wasn't fond of the idea, but Cassandra and Cullen had done so much for his son already, and Dorian was not in any shape to take him. Besides, he wanted to start taking more responsibility for his son. Solas picked up Da'Fen and quietly walked over to the casket. 

Solas was content with the goodbyes from the night before and was determined to stay strong. He told himself that it would be alright as long as he focused on his son. He glanced at Elessa and watched his son meticulously as Da'Fen stared expressionless at his mother for several minutes. Finally Solas said, “Is there anything that you would like to say to your mother, Da'len?” 

Da'Fen spent a few more minutes in quiet reverence and then finally said, “I love you, Mamae. I wish you could wake up and play with me. I miss when you tuck me in at night, and your hugs and your kisses. I miss your voice.” It took everything Solas had in him not to tear up. Finally Da'Fen looked up at Solas and asked, “Are you going to say anything to Mamae?” 

Solas didn't want to say anything. He knew he would not be strong enough to keep his composure if he spoke from his heart; however, he could not deny his son's request. He questioned how a child could gaze upon his deceased mother and say such loving and honest things without crying. 

Did he really think she was going to wake up? Was he holding everything in, or perhaps maybe he was in shock – his emotions completely dulled because the gravity of the situation was just too difficult to grasp? Solas' heart raced, his stomach felt as if it was twisting rapidly into itself, and a part of him wanted to scream out. 

He took a deep breath as he said his final words in fluent ancient elven: “Thank you for everything, my heart. I love you more than there are stars in the sky, and my greatest wish is that you could be here by my side to raise our son together. I am filled with much regret and longing, and my heart will cry out for you until the day I die. Please be at peace and know that I will do my best to honor your wishes. Goodbye, my love.”

As Solas finished his eulogy, he could no longer keep his feelings at bay. He was once again filled with sorrow, and his tears streamed rapidly down his cheeks as he stared at Elessa wishing that circumstances had been different. Da'Fen didn't understand what Solas had said and looked up at him to ask, but when he saw the sorrow permeating his face, he decided to remain silent. Instead he hesitantly grasped the adult's hand and quietly led him back to the others. 

Upon seeing Da'Fen return with his heartbroken father, Cassandra called the child over to her side. Solas bowed towards her and disappeared behind the door to Elessa's quarters – his quarters. He slumped down on the stairs and buried his head in his lap as he sobbed. 

“Uncle Dorian,” Da'Fen interjected after Solas had left. “Why was that man so sad?” Dorian, whose eyes were brimming over with tears, whimpered joylessly, “It is because that man loves your mother more than anyone can imagine.” Da'Fen immediately asked if he was coming back. Dorian nodded his head in confirmation before disappearing behind the door, once again overtaken by uncontrollable sobbing.

“I wish Uncle Dorian and that man were not so sad,” Da'Fen said innocently to Cassandra and Cullen. The boy decided at that point not to say anything else. He wasn't used to seeing adults cry and had decided that he didn't like it. 

Truth be told, Dorian was having a very rough time. He thought he had made it past the worst of his grief and had said his goodbyes in the days prior, but he was horribly mistaken. Like Solas, he had loved Elessa more than anyone could imagine, and the pain was like daggers to his heart. 

The two had become inseparable over those five years, especially after Solas had left Elessa. They had been there for each other through the darkest and most depressing moments of each others' lives - through Dorian's family issues, Solas' departure, the birth of Da'Fen, and Dorian's breakup with Iron Bull. He had stayed out of fondness for her, and unlike Solas, who had a son to raise, Dorian felt as if he was completely lost and without purpose. 

Cassandra and Cullen worried for him, but they had been so busy and didn't quite know how to help the Tevinter. Elessa was right in worrying about his well-being, though, and Leliana had spies watching him, just in case his mind slipped into the darkest of places and he decided to do something drastic. 

Solas was initially surprised to see Dorian opening the door to join him in the stairwell but knew the second he heard the sobs why he had come. Solas moved over to the side as Dorian sat down next to him in the tight area, assuming the same position – his head buried in his lap, bawling into his arms. 

The two men sat next to each for a few minutes before Solas finally put his arm around Dorian's shoulder and said, “You do realize that we are both hopeless. I mean, I always knew that she would be my undoing, but I never thought that you were in the same predicament.” 

With that, Solas stood up and extended his hand to the other man. Dorian sniffled into his sleeve one last time and accepted the gesture. “Yeah, I guess you have a point there, my friend,” Dorian responded as they sauntered back out to rejoin the group.

Shifting his footing often, Da'Fen couldn't stand still, especially once the speeches started. Solas could tell that his son was bored, so he reached into his pocket and pulled out one of his son's wooden horse figurines and presented it to him. Da'Fen's face lit up as he happily took it and pretended that it was running up and down Cassandra's arms and legs. Solas was quite amused by his son's actions and couldn't help but smile at the boy. 

There were lots of speeches given that day, as she had touched so many lives. Solas didn't really care for the ones that paraded her titles and acts of heroism. Though she was no doubt a hero, Elessa was so much more than the sum of her actions. The entirety of Thedas would remember her for these actions, but it was her closest friends and the people she touched individually who would remember her instead for her kindness, selflessness, and generosity. To her closest friends, she would always remain the one person who could light up the darkest of places with her unusually bright spirit.

Josephine gave a speech relating to how Elessa had helped to remove the hit on her family, Iron Bull divulged the details of his exile and her decision to save the chargers over forming a powerful alliance, and Blackwall spoke of her forgiveness for him. When Celine reflected on the greatest game ever played at Halamshiral, Solas recalled another one of his fondest memories – dancing with Elessa out on the balcony at the ball. 

Of all of the speeches given, Solas found that Cullen's had resonated with him the most. The commander had discussed his struggle with lyrium addiction in full detail and was quite endearing in his depiction of her kind and loving personality. Elessa had believed in him when he thought that he would break, and she had been patient with him and had comforted him when he was in his darkest hours. 

Solas had no idea that any of this had ever taken place, and hearing the story for the first time brought tears to his eyes once more. As he scanned the room, he realized that he was not the only one – There wasn't a dry eye to be found, except on Da'Fen, who was still happily playing with his horses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise it will get less depressing... eventually... ;)


	6. Emotions Unhinged

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Da'Fen finally accepts his mother's death, and there is an ambush that causes Solas to defend Cassandra and his son.
> 
> *Warning*  
> This chapter has graphic depictions of violence.

As Clan Lavellan carried her casket, the funeral procession headed outside for the burial in the main courtyard. Once again, the group of five stood off to the side, on the opposite side as everybody else. There were many more people already in the area who had not been able to fit inside the main hall for the service. 

Da'Fen watched curiously as Elessa was lowered into the hole near the wall of the front gate. The spot was perfect for her final resting place. Cullen and Cassandra escorted the boy to throw the first handful of dirt over his mother's coffin. They were trailed by Solas and Dorian and the rest of the Inquisition. The boy watched from a distance as each subsequent handful of dirt hit the beautiful box and cascaded outwards in all directions – it was both beautiful and almost hypnotic. 

The line of people seemed endless, and as the hole began to fill, the finality of his mother's death began to sink in for Da'Fen. She was in a box in the ground and soon to be entombed in dirt and covered with a tree. Her body was no longer conveniently nearby, where he could walk by her and pretend that she would wake up, as it had been the past few days. 

He finally realized that she would never wake up to shower him with kisses, or kiss him goodnight, or play games with him – Everything suddenly became real. Acceptance of Elessa's fate hit him with such overwhelming force that his little heart could no longer cope. He buckled to the ground speechless and gasped for oxygen as he clung desperately to Cassandra's leg with all of his might. As he finally took in enough air, he exploded with such an ear-piercing wail that it startled everybody in attendance. 

As her eyes filled with tears, Cassandra bent down and gently picked up the tiny elven child, cradling him in her arms and speaking soothing words as he cried into her chest. The heart-wrenching screams emanating from Da'Fen were enough to send chills down the spines of everybody within earshot. Solas was once again in agony and completely powerless to do anything for his son. My son does not deserve this, Solas thought grievously as he once again reflected on his past decisions. He closed his eyes and desperately wished that his nightmare would end. 

When it was time for the elven tree-planting ceremony, Da'Fen was still inconsolable and could not be coaxed into silence. Solas walked up to Cassandra and motioned for her to follow, as his son's cries were disrupting the entire event. When they departed, a group of five guards followed distantly behind them. The small group of three disappeared through a side door and walked out into the gardens. 

Cassandra rocked Da'Fen and spoke soothing words to him while Solas gently rubbed his back. Slowly the child began to calm down, and Cassandra set him back down on his feet while Solas handed him the wooden horse. “We should probably stay another five minutes to make sure he's alright to return to the service,” Cassandra announced.

When Solas glanced up to speak to her, a glint of light reflected off of something metallic and briefly caught his eye. It was a guard aiming a drawn bow directly at them! He quickly flung his arms out and put up a barrier just in time for the arrow to break over it, right in line with Da'Fen's head. Suddenly five more archers appeared on the roof above them, each wearing Skyhold uniforms. 

When Solas picked up his son and turned to exit the way that they had entered, the group of five guards, who were supposed to be protecting them, drew their weapons in aggression. The three then hurried towards the main door leading to the great hall, but five more guards appeared in the doorway. They had walked into an ambush. 

Out of options, Cassandra and Solas ran into the little room off to the side of the garden that housed a shrine. Their circumstances were dire, as Cassandra and Solas were completely unarmed, and the group of men would be upon them very soon. There was no way that they were making it through this alive, Cassandra thought as she began to pray. Solas set down Da'Fen and encased the room in a large barrier, the likes of which Cassandra had never seen. “Stay in here and DO NOT let him see this! Keep his eyes and ears covered at all costs,” Solas screamed fiercely as he stepped outside of the doorway and morphed into a large black wolf. 

To say that he was large was a major understatement; he was HUGE - the height of a druffalo, but thinner, and his rugged black hair and ears stood up on pins and needles as he let out a long and threatening growl. Cassandra shivered at the sight of his razor-sharp teeth, each the length of one of her longest fingers and dripping with ferocity.

When the first group of men charged the doorway with weapons drawn, Solas lunged and ripped out the throat of the first aggressor, sending scraps of soft flesh and tubular appendages flying through the air. The wolf's maw then quickly seized the next attacker across the ribcage and snapped the vertebrate of the spine completely in half with a loud CRACK. The speed and agility with which the wolf moved was incredible. 

These men were trying to kill his son. They were the reason that Solas had lost the love of his life. They were the reason that his son was suffering and would have no mother to raise him. He felt nothing but contempt as he channeled all of his bitterness, regret, and despair into the forefront of his consciousness. 

Despite his good intentions, EVERY major decision he had ever made in the past had backfired. He had failed his people, he had given his power to a lunatic, and he had failed Elessa. He would NOT make that mistake again. He would NOT lose his son. His heartbreak and anger were immeasurable, and in his primal fury, the bloodthirsty wolf became unhinged. These despicable men would die in the most gruesome manner possible, and he would feel absolutely nothing for them. 

As Solas lunged at a third guard with teeth bared, he was blocked by a large shield. At the same time, a fourth man behind him dug his sword into the meaty part of the wolf's hind leg. Solas let out an intensely loud yelp as he sunk his teeth deep into the shoulder of the third guard and shook his body forcefully into a nearby stone pillar, snapping his neck and bludgeoning his head against the wall. 

The ferocious wolf whipped his body around almost instantly and seized the man that had stabbed him, savagely ripping entrails from his gut as the man screamed in horror. The last attacker in the group tried to flee towards the others, but Solas jumped nearly ten yards and landed on his back, breaking bones on impact. The wolf pinned him to the ground as he viciously mauled his face and neck, leaving the corpse unrecognizable. 

Solas was unrestrained. His blind rage had completely taken over, leaving him cruel, savage, and feral. Cassandra held Da'Fen close to her chest and covered his eyes and ears as she watched the gruesome scene unfold. The large beast was terrifyingly powerful and merciless, and the mortified screams of the assassins coupled with the sounds of breaking bones and tearing flesh shook her to the core. 

She felt paralysis mixed with adrenaline and fear as she watched in a mesmerized state of shock. Cassandra wanted to cover her eyes and and ears, but she knew that she was the last line of defense for Da'Fen, and her vigilance was required in case someone made it past Solas. 

The men on the roof almost endlessly pelted him with arrows, but he did not feel them, and most were easily shaken from his tough, furry exterior. As the rest of the attackers surrounded him, he growled ferociously. When an assailant charged him with a sword, the wolf dodged it as jaws clenched down on the man's arm and detached it completely from his body. Suddenly a blood-curdling yip came from Solas as another attacker drove a sword deep into his ribs. 

He pivoted his body around in a half-circle, knocking down two men behind him as another man stabbed him in the shoulder. Though he knew he was hurt, he did not seem to feel pain, and the attacks fueled his rage even more. He let out a predatory bark as he charged the attackers and sequentially and ruthlessly slaughtered them one by one – he ripped limbs from sockets, tore eyeballs, ears, and noses from faces, he snapped bones, and he even decapitated one of the assailants. Solas never once allowed an aggressor near the doorway. 

Soon all of the men on the ground were eviscerated, and with a quick leap, the wolf was on the roof and charging the first of the archers. Cassandra wished that she could cover her ears and shield herself from the terrified screams above as the dread wolf tore into them one by one and left them mangled, disemboweled, and in some cases, unrecognizable. 

As her adrenaline settled into normalcy, Cassandra finally began to calm down. She looked around the shrine and the doorway outside. Blood and pieces of flesh were splattered all over her and Da'Fen, as well as the rest of the room. The ground was soaked in crimson, there were mutilated bodies everywhere, long and stringy entrails trailed from indistinguishable men, and a decapitated head lay idly right outside the doorway, still attached to a jagged piece of spinal cord. 

She felt a sudden pang of nausea, and almost without warning she vomited all over the floor, still holding Da'Fen to her chest and shaking uncontrollably. His raw power and unrestrained savagery felt completely unreal to her. She knew that he was the dread wolf, but Solas had always shown such restraint and calculation in his actions. She never could have imagined that he was capable of such horrific acts. 

The entire attack had occurred over the span of five minutes. Solas jumped from the roof and appeared in the doorway once again. After the wolf checked the periphery for attackers and found none, he limped toward Cassandra and Da'Fen as he let out a series of soft whimpers. He was too big to fit through the doorway, so he laid down outside and began to lick his wounded leg as he guarded the shrine. 

Solas had been impaled with three arrows across the back, he was bleeding from the shoulder, his hind leg was damaged, and a sword was still lodged painfully in his chest. Cassandra hoped that he would be alright once help arrived. 

Cassandra let out a deep breath and slumped down against a wall. Nobody could have prepared her for such a scene, and she was quite shaken up. “I need to keep your eyes covered, but I promise I'll take my hands away as soon as possible,” she promised Da'Fen. Solas was still whining as he continued to lick his wounds. 

About five minutes later, Cullen and Iron Bull approached with a dozen soldiers. Cullen was horrified by the bloody scene, and the thought that something terrible had happened to Cassandra, Solas, and Da'Fen rushed through his head. He shouted loudly and desperately as he began to run across the yard towards their location. Solas' ears perked up as he raised his head in attention, but Cassandra had not heard the shouts. 

Bull and Cullen stopped dead in their tracks upon seeing the giant black creature covered in blood in front of them. Bull drew his weapon and waited for a command as Cullen slowly unsheathed his sword. They both stood there frozen as they stared into the wolf's beautiful stormy blue eyes as Cullen decided whether or not to charge the beast. 

Instead Cullen got the courage to call out and was promptly answered by Cassandra. “Da'Fen and I are alright, but Solas is injured and needs help immediately,” she announced urgently. Cullen yelled back, “I'm assuming that Solas is this giant wolf?” “Yes,” she shouted as she walked through the doorway with Da'Fen. She couldn't wait to vacate the bloody scene. 

Cullen ordered four of his soldiers to take defensive posts around the garden and sent the other eight to escort Cassandra and Da'Fen to safety. “Please find Vivienne and bring her here immediately,” he ordered Iron Bull, who sheathed his weapon and ran towards the main courtyard. 

Cullen was left alone as he slowly and cautiously approached the wolf. His head was as big as Cullen's entire upper torso, and he was covered in so much blood from the battle that the commander didn't know how badly he was wounded. He hoped that Solas was going to be alright. 

He reached down and gently pet the top of the wolf's head as he announced, “Viv should be here soon, but in the meantime, these arrows need to come out. Give me a sign if you don't want me to do it.” Solas laid his massive head on the ground next to Cullen, signaling for him to continue. 

As he pulled out the first arrow, the wolf yelped softly. Cullen backed off briefly as he pulled off his long-sleeved shirt and used it to dab the blood from the wound. He repeated the step for the other two arrows. The arrow wounds were superficial and wouldn't be much of an issue, he thought. 

After examining the rest of the wolf's body for injuries, he was able to find the gaping wound on Solas' shoulder. He used the same shirt to try to clean it up as best as he could while the wolf continued to whimper. Once the long-sleeved shirt was saturated with blood, Cullen ripped off his undershirt and used it on the wound. 

“So this is the famous Dread Wolf,” Cullen announced with a grin. “You're quite impressive.” As he began to massage the wolf's head and ears, Solas nuzzled his nose into Cullen's chest. The commander smiled and began to shiver as he gently rubbed the line leading from his eyes to his snout. 

Once Vivienne appeared, Cullen leaned into his ear and whispered softly, “I'm going to pull the sword out now.” Solas put his head on the ground again and braced himself as Cullen wrapped his hands around the handle and dislodged the sword with a forceful pull. Solas let out a series of loud and painful yelps as Cullen hugged and consoled him.

Vivienne examined the wolf thoroughly before deciding that the sword wound on his ribs would need attention first. As she began healing it, Solas reverted back to his elven form. He was exhausted and in pain but fully conscious. 

Solas looked up at Cullen, who was topless - his teeth chattering as his bare skin met the cold winter air. He couldn't believe that the commander had stayed by his side and had sacrificed his own clothes and comfort to help him, despite the things that Solas had done in the past. Additionally, Solas was a giant wolf covered in blood. Most people would have run away from him or tried to kill him. Cullen did neither. 

“Thank you, Commander,” Solas said gratefully. Cullen shook his head and smiled. “You saved my wife, Solas. It is I who should be thanking you,” the man responded respectfully. Solas winced in slight pain as he chuckled, “Ah, so that answers the question regarding the state of your relationship with Cassandra. When were you married?” Cullen answered, “Two springs ago.” Vivienne interjected. “It was a fabulous wedding. You should have been there.” 

“I hate to change the subject,” Solas stated. “But do you mind removing my pants? I have a nasty wound on my thigh and should start healing it immediately.” Cullen obliged and then excused himself to find some clothes and check on Cassandra and Da'Fen. As Cullen left, Solas shouted back, “Please send word that Cassandra and Da'Fen are alright when you get a chance.”

The wound on his thigh was painful but not as bad as he had originally thought. It would take him roughly thirty minutes to mend it. The same could be said for his shoulder. Solas had a lot more power now than he did while he was in the Inquisition, but it still dwarfed in comparison to the power he once possessed in the times of ancient Arlathan. 

There had been battles much worse than this in the past where he had emerged victorious and entirely unscathed. He was glad that at least now he healed a lot quicker and was able to perform healing magic more efficiently. At least he had been successful in defending Cassandra and Da'Fen, he thought. 

Vivienne continued to heal Solas as she questioned, “You did all of this?” “Yes, I did not have a choice,” Solas responded directly. He thought about what had transpired and realized that he did not regret any of his actions. 

He was worried for Cassandra and Da'Fen, though. What if his son saw what had happened? How much did he hear? Would Cassandra ever want to face him again after seeing first-hand what he was capable of? 

As she surveyed the enormity of the battlefield, Vivienne chuckled and commented, “Somebody has a rather messy clean-up job tonight.” “Indeed,” answered Solas, whose brow furrowed at the aloofness of her statement. She was less than three yards away from a severed head. Did the surrounding gore not bother her at all, he wondered. 

Vivienne was strangely desensitized to the entire situation. She was more surprised by how quickly the healing was coming along, and she noted that Solas was significantly more powerful now than when she had first met him. She wondered what else he was capable of doing. 

She never approved of his lack of a traditional upbringing away from circles, but in the five years since the circles had been abolished, she had come to see the benefits. Magic was always a means to an end, and there were far greater possibilities than she could have ever imagined. The choice was with the individual now. Accidents would always happen with or without the circles, she had finally decided. 

“I'm glad you came back, Solas,” Vivienne stated candidly. “This attack was carefully planned, and had you not returned when you did, there would have been many more funerals.” Solas didn't quite know how to feel as he smiled uneasily and thanked her. 

He was worried for Cassandra and Da'Fen but at the same time, he was comforted by her words. Vivienne was most likely correct that he had made the right decision in returning. Finally, a major decision that worked out in his favor, Solas suddenly realized. Elessa would have been pleased.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for sticking with me. I'm still waiting for my computer to be fixed and will update when able.


	7. Interospection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Solas has a conversation with Cullen and gets the opportunity to say good night to his son. He also has a little bit of a breakdown.

Chapter 7: Interospection  
Solas had not been seriously injured since gaining Mythal's powers and was quite impressed by his speedy recovery. Forty-five minutes had passed, and he was almost completely healed. Had this injury occurred five years ago, it would have been life-threatening, he acknowledged. “Your resilience is quite remarkable,” Vivienne commented casually. “Would you like me to heal your arm as well,” she offered with a smile. 

He reached down and unwrapped the bandage, revealing the twenty-two stitches over Da'Fen's handiwork. Perhaps this was a token that he should hold onto. It wouldn't be the first time he had purposely kept a scar, he reflected as he traced the faint line over his right brow. His hand then descended to his left arm, where he ran his fingers slowly over the wound, intricately fingering each stitch - It would definitely leave a scar. “Thank you, but that is quite alright,” he said graciously.

As Vivienne excused herself and headed towards the main hall, Cullen approached. “I didn't realize that you would be finished so quickly,” the commander said as he draped a blanket over Solas' bare shoulders. “I was not expecting it either. I was also not expecting to see you so soon, Commander,” Solas replied.

Cullen laughed briefly as he teased, “Since we're on the subject of expectations, I'll add that I didn't think that you could make such a great pet. After hearing the stories of the dread wolf, I was rather frightened that you might not recognize friend from foe after your bloody encounter, but you were quite the good pup once I spent time with you.” 

Solas laughed as he said playfully, “I cry too much as a wolf. It is much harder to control my feelings in that form.” Cullen once again surveyed the aftermath of the recent skirmish as he replied, “I can only imagine, but I daresay, I enjoyed rubbing your fluffy ears.  I could get used to you in that form,” he smiled as he looked at Solas, who had just finished putting his pants back on. 

“As for why I'm here, you did ask me to send word on Da'Fen and Cassandra,” Cullen explained as he extended his hand to Solas. “How are they,” the elf said with a frown as he accepted the gesture and rose to his feet. Solas was still worried that Da'Fen had seen or heard something horrible, and he had no idea how Cassandra was handling it.

As they began walking towards the great hall, Cullen could see the concerned look on Solas' face. “I couldn't really ascertain Da'Fen's reaction to the battle because he is still trying to process his mother's death. His breakdown today was a healthy step in the right direction, to say the least.” 

Cullen hesitated briefly. “As for Cassandra, she's a lot like you, Solas. She puts up a tough exterior and bottles everything up, so it's hard to tell what she's thinking or feeling sometimes, even for me. I can say with certainty that she was shaken up, but since she did not want to talk about it with me, I cannot comment further.”

Solas had not liked the seeker at first. She was stubborn, heavy-handed in her first interactions with Elessa, and she initially had been overly demanding of Solas. As he looked back at the events surrounding their first encounter, he realized that his initial judgments were unfair. Had he been in her position, he likely would have responded the same way.

It was rather odd that Solas never realized how similar they were in the manner in which they processed emotions, and he applauded Cullen's insight. Of everybody he had met during the inquisition, Cassandra was the person who he had grown to respect the most. Though he was not a follower of Andraste, he admired her for her immense faith and dedication to her cause. Had it not been for that dedication, the Inquisition might not have formed, and the breach might not have been sealed. 

She was the string that held everything together quietly in the background, and Solas questioned whether or not the seeker ever realized this. He could remember times when Cassandra had saved lives by taking deadly blows meant for others, himself included. She never complained, and he often found himself in awe of her selflessness. The more they talked with one another, the more respect he garnered for her. 

She was genuinely humble in a way that he had never encountered. Humility - the one trait that he never possessed; the one trait that might have prevented him from making his greatest mistakes. Perhaps that is the main reason that he admired her so greatly, he deduced. 

They had become rather unlikely friends, and now Solas was worried for her. “Do you think she is afraid of me,” Solas asked reluctantly. “To be honest, I really don't know,” Cullen replied. “With Cass, I think the best course of action is to give her time and see how she reacts. Don't press her about it, but let her know that you're available if she would like to discuss anything.”

“Thank you, Commander,” he stated as they walked into the main hall. “Can I ask you a favor,” he added. Cassandra and Cullen had done so much for Da'Fen, and Solas wondered how he would ever be able to show his gratitude. “I appreciate everything that the two of you have done for my son,” he declared, “But will you allow Da'Fen to sleep without interference tonight?”

Cullen suddenly stopped walking as he looked up at Solas and responded firmly, “Do not feel that you need to ask permission from either of us regarding your son. We will assist you if able, but you are his father, and we will honor your wishes.” 

Solas had left Elessa and in some ways felt that he had little paternal rights to Da'Fen. He chided himself for thinking that way. Cullen was correct, of course, but having custody of a four year old child still didn't feel completely real to Solas. That his son's fragile life was in his hands to raise and protect still scared him. That he gazed upon Da'Fen and loved him instantly scared him as well. That outsiders were trying to kidnap or kill Da'Fen scared him most of all.

He had always felt alone. He had pushed others carelessly aside and relied solely on himself for thousands of years. Getting to know Elessa and the rest of the Inquisition taught him a great deal about trust, friendship, and love, but in the end, he had abandoned them all in favor of his old ways and his obsession with changing the results of the past. 

It gave him comfort that there were others who genuinely cared for Da'Fen and were willing to assist him. “Thank you, Cullen,” Solas said reverently. “You and Cassandra were always there for Elessa, and you were there for my son when he needed you. I cannot express how much that means to me.”

Cullen nodded in recognition. “He should be going to bed in the next hour or two. Would you like to say good night to him before heading back to your room?” Solas smiled as he answered, “I think I would like that.” He followed Cullen to his and Cassandra's quarters on the opposite end of the castle.

As the door opened, Solas noted how ordinary the room looked. There was a large bed, big enough for two or three humans, a desk with loose papers scattered about, a few mahogany dressers, and two matching nightstands. There were no decorative tapestries, stained-glass windows, or wall decorations of any sort. It was functional, yet simple, and it seemed to fit their personalities quite well.

When Da'Fen noticed Solas and Cullen, he eagerly ran towards the door to greet them. The boy instantly grabbed Solas' hand and led him to the center of room as he exclaimed excitedly, “Remember when you asked me about my favorite toys?” Da'Fen patted the bed, urging Solas to sit. Solas looked up at Cullen, who nodded permissively, and he took a seat at the corner of the bed. “Of course I remember, da'len,” he replied softly with a smile. 

“Close your eyes and put out your hands,” Da'Fen ordered. Solas once again obliged. He soon felt the light weight of a soft and fuzzy item placed into each hand. When Da'Fen gave him the order to open his eyes, he observed that he was holding two stuffed animals - matching crocheted wolves, the only difference being that one was small and white, and the other was large and black. 

Solas could tell by the dirt and wear on them that they had been carried lovingly by his son for a long time. “Mamae made them for me when I was a baby,” Da'Fen said proudly. He gestured to the little one as he said, “This one is me.” Then he gestured to the larger one as he said, “And this one is my father.” 

Solas' heart sank deep into his chest, and his stomach became tumultuous and uneasy. He didn't know if he was going to be sick or burst into tears, and it once again took every ounce of control within him to retain some semblance of composure. 

Solas looked at Da'Fen as he stuttered shakily, “These are beautiful, da'len. I see why they are your favorites.” He couldn't hold on much longer, so he stood up and kissed his son on the forehead as he choked out, “I should get something to eat. Maybe I will see you tomorrow.” 

As he turned to leave, he looked at Cassandra, who was sitting at the desk and watching passively. Solas noticed that she had not made direct eye contact with him since before the assassination attempts. Cullen was right. She would need time, not that he had any to spare right now.

As Cullen escorted him to the door, Solas bowed his head as he questioned sadly, “How long ago were those made?” The commander cleared his throat nervously and replied, “She made them for his first birthday.” Cullen could tell that Solas was barely holding together. “Are you going to be alright,” he finally asked. 

Solas was hurting, but he nodded politely as he exited. The door couldn't close soon enough. He leaned his back against a nearby wall and slumped down, pieces of cold stone scraping his back as he reached the ground and buried his head between his knees for the second time that day. Though his eyes were filled with tears, he didn't weep. He was trapped inside his own head and deep in thought.

Elessa had known for years, and she had carefully and lovingly crafted those tokens for their son. Years that he would never get back because he had left her, believing that he was protecting her by doing so. Years that he had never known his son because of his guilt and refusal to check up on Elessa. Years that, if not for his pride and foolish mistakes, he could have had with his family. They likely would have been some of the best years of his life, and he had completely robbed himself of them. 

In his contemplation, he gazed up towards the stars of the clear night sky and shivered in the cold winter air. He was known by his people as the great betrayer. While it was true that he had betrayed his kin for their own good to save the people, he knew that doing nothing would have been worse. If he had betrayed anyone, he realized, it was himself – it was his heart. 

He had left the Inquisition and Elessa because he thought that he was better off alone. If he was alone, it would be harder to hurt people – to be hurt by people. He could fix his mistakes and find redemption, and once he found a way to do that, he could go back to Elessa. This was what he had intended, never thinking that in doing so, he would make yet another grave error in judgment – perhaps even greater than the one he had been trying to fix in the first place. And now he was seeking redemption for that. 

As Solas stood up, he giggled cynically at the thought that his life felt like one big, cosmic joke. Perhaps he was doomed to repeat the same cycle for the remainder of his days. His giggle soon turned into a maniacal laugh, and anybody who might have passed him would have thought him a madman. He did not believe in the gods, but he now laughed heartily at the fact that if there was anybody who might be watching him, anybody who had any influence in shaping the world, then they must certainly have the most sick sense of humor imaginable.


	8. Solace for a Guilty Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Solas discovers a poem that he had never meant for anyone to find. He then reflects on his past.

Solas was exhausted after what felt like the longest day of his life. He held an apple in the palm of his hand but could do nothing more than stare at it blankly as he ascended the stairs to his quarters, still deep in thought.

His feet stopped automatically in front of a small desk, where he slumped down into the comfortable, padded chair and set the apple down in front of him. Elessa had often sat in this very same place and devoted hours of her time to piles of unanswered correspondences laying on top of it. 

Many times Solas had tried to surprise her, approaching as quietly as possible, bare feet gliding slowly across the cold, dark stone as his hand carefully steadied a cup of hot tea. It was his own shadow that often betrayed him, the warm and crackling fire parading its lithe, traitorous form across the walls of the room. The subtle change in lighting never failed to catch Elessa's attention, and she would turn to him and grin as he mischievously leaned in for a chaste kiss. 

The memory made him smile, and his hands soon descended curiously towards the drawers along the side of the desk. The first drawer on the left revealed a stack of blank parchment, two quills, and a tiny inkwell. From the drawer on the right, Solas retrieved a single piece of folded paper.

Familiarity and a stream of memories flooded his head as he unfolded the paper - the last thing he had written, hours before their fight with Corypheus. It was a tear-stained poem, and he had tucked it deep into one of his hundreds of tomes in hopes of locking it away. Nobody was ever meant to find it, but somehow she had. He read its contents once again:

Solace for a Guilty Heart  
No direction came to mind,  
I traveled listless in the fade.  
Wishing to leave it all behind,  
So many mistakes that I have made.

I walked along a river,  
Loneliness my only friend.  
Life's resolve began to quiver,  
And I wanted it to end. 

But I noticed a rare flower,  
That bloomed every hundred years.  
Precisely on the hour,  
I was quickly brought to tears.

Our paths had somehow crossed,  
As if it was meant to be.  
My love no longer lost,  
The one who saved my heart was she.

Solas a symbol of my mistakes,  
Another word for foolish pride,  
And though our hearts now break,  
I pine to have her by my side.

Once again along the water,  
She cannot join me in my fight,  
I sacrificed two hearts for slaughter.  
Because I need to do what's right.

If I survive this heavy weight,  
Will she give me one more chance?  
For when I change the world's fate,  
I shall save her my last dance.

In reflecting, he admitted that he had been wrong in his declaration of what “was right,” and he vividly remembered the feelings of hope to which he clung while writing the poem. It simply never occurred to him that she would be lost before they could have their “last dance.” 

Having spent enough time that day wallowing in despair, he pushed past the pangs of guilt surrounding their break-up and the string of bad decisions that followed. Elessa would not want that, he thought solemnly. 

Instead, he began to picture his vhenan finding his poem, perhaps after giving birth their son. He hoped that it had given her strength or comfort in times of sadness. It was probably fortunate that she had found it.

How clever she had been to have discovered his identity years before he was ready to reveal it. Had she never found the poem or given birth to Da'Fen, she still might have figured it all out just the same, he realized as he reflected on his past actions. 

Solas knew too much history, and only so much could be explained through the fade. Elessa was unusually bright and eager to learn, and he had been drawn to her like an insect to veilfire. Her unquenchable thirst for knowledge rivaled his own in many ways, and he could never resist the urge to share information, even if it was to his own detriment. 

He had a bad habit of unconsciously leaving tiny clues that could potentially give himself away, and he had always realized it until after the fact. He didn't fully understood why he did it. Was it because deep down he wanted her to know, because it was completely by accident, or because the closer he came to getting caught, the more alive he felt? Perhaps it was all three. 

He recalled times when he had acted suspiciously as well. Their trip to the Temple of Mythal immediately came to mind. He had argued incessantly with Morrigan about elven history, especially once they found the Fen'Harel statue in the temple. Then there was Abelas, who addressed him as one of the ancients in front of everybody. Solas wondered for a moment if Abelas was ever able to find a purpose or change his namesake. 

When they had been sent physically through the fade, the fear demon called him out as well, and Solas remembered feeling extremely uneasy at the time. He had guessed that Elessa had understood most of the conversation, yet to his surprise, she never once brought it up afterwards. 

There were more subtler things that gave Solas away as well, like how he became unusually quiet whenever they approached a wolf statue, sometimes to the point of avoiding eye contact. Those statues always made him feel claustrophobic, and he wanted to be as far away from them as possible. 

He snickered at the recollection that he once wandered off in the exalted plains to pick elfroot while in the middle of a mission because he needed a distraction from the plethora of wolf statues in the area. Perhaps Elessa could sense his discomfort, and that's the reason why she smiled and allowed it, despite Iron Bull and Dorian's objections. 

For someone who possessed so much knowledge of everything elven, he had so little to say about the legend of Fen'Harel when the topic came up, and surly Elessa had taken notice. Yet to her credit, she never addressed the issue. She was always so considerate of his feelings and never once did anything to make him feel the least bit uncomfortable. In hindsight, it was not due to ignorance, but rather out of kindness and love – a shame that he never realized that at the time. 

He thought he was so clever, time and time again eluding everyone's suspicions regarding his true identity. In retrospect, he realized that his foolish pride had blinded him from seeing that she likely knew all along. At the very least, she recognized that everything he claimed did not add up, he thought as he carefully folded the paper and placed it back inside the drawer. 

His mind drifted back to Da'Fen. It had been a tough day for the boy, no doubt the toughest in his young life. He would soon be asleep and in the fade, and Solas had a duty to protect him. He approached the over-sized bed and snatched a pillow and a blanket before walking into Elessa's closet. As he set up his bedding, he smiled as his nose hungrily took in the familiar scent of elfroot and jasmine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote that poem a while ago with the intention of using it in one of my stories. I plan on writing the next chapter or two very soon and hope I don't let you down ;) 
> 
> Once again, thank you for sticking with me. I appreciate all of the comments and kudos that you have given me so far.


	9. Baby Steps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Solas protects Da'Fen in the fade and observes a new memory. He eventually comforts his son.

Finding his son in the fade was quite easy for Solas, and he found it kind of odd that the place in Da'Fen's dreams was the very same location in which he had just recently fallen asleep - Elessa's quarters at Skyhold. That his son would dream of Skyhold made perfect sense because it was unlikely that the child had traveled much in his young life, and Solas found himself wondering about the extent to which his son could manipulate his dreams. 

He was curious how much Elessa had taught him and wanted to sit back and observe quietly, but given the events of the day, not putting up any protection from spirits was a risk that he was not willing to take. Solas stood in the throne room as he casted a huge barrier that encompassed the entire area. He knew that his son would sense the interference, but the boy would not be able to find the culprit because Solas had made himself undetectable. 

Once undetectable, Solas stood at the top of the stairs and observed his son. As Da'Fen played with his horses on his mother's bed, to Solas' surprise, Elessa was suddenly conjured right before his eyes. Solas was quite impressed with his son's ability to recall the specific memory so vividly, as most adult mages didn't possess that particular talent. It appeared that his mother had taught Da'Fen a great deal, and Solas silently approved. 

Perhaps most of all, he was overjoyed to see Elessa and learn that his son had retained intact memories of her. Both father and son smiled from ear to ear as her beautiful voice filled the room with lyrics from a popular elven nursery rhyme. 

Solas had never heard Elessa sing, and his eyes lit up as he gleefully listened to the tune, completely mesmerized by his vhenan's song. Her voice was absolutely breathtaking – both feminine and angelic. Why had he never heard her sing in the past, he wondered as he blissfully absorbed the moment. 

“I'm so happy you're here, Mamae,” said Da'Fen exuberantly as Elessa weaved her fingers through the young boy's long, brown hair, still singing. Da'Fen looked up at his mother lovingly as she said excitedly, “Your hair has grown quite long, da'len. I can't believe you are turning four today!”

As Da'Fen went back to playing with his toys, Elessa asked enthusiastically, “What would the birthday boy like to do for his special day?” The boy stopped playing with his toys and didn't reply. He just looked up at Elessa, who continued to smile lovingly as she said, “As you wish, da'len. Do you want to hide first or me?”

Of course, a game of hide and seek, Solas thought as he shifted his position in anticipation to better allow himself to more closely observe the game. Da'Fen scurried hurriedly to the closet and hid among his mother's leather jerkins as Elessa counted to ten. Solas was amused that his son couldn't resist the urge to peep outside the door and watch his mother. 

Solas was bathed in euphoria as he hungrily observed Elessa's search around the room. She had no doubt heard Da'Fen shifting in the closet but pretended to search every other location before making her way towards him. “I'm coming to get you,” she announced softly as she tiptoed towards the closet. 

“Could my beautiful son be somewhere over here,” Elessa proclaimed mischievously from the doorway as a grin permeated her face. Solas watched as she snatched the child and began tickling him across his stomach and ribs. As mother and son burst into a symphony of laughter, Solas continued to smile adoringly. Bearing witness to such happiness set his heart aflutter, and he wondered if he would ever witness a more perfect moment in time.

Once the tickles and laughs subsided, Elessa questioned, “Would you like to hide again?” This time Da'Fen replied gloomily, “I'd rather you come back to life and live with me again.” Of course she would never respond to this statement because this was a memory, and like all memories, it was doomed to repeat the same course of action for all eternity. “I'm closing my eyes,” Elessa announced happily. 

Solas frowned as he watched his son saunter to the desk and hide underneath while Elessa started counting slowly to ten. The excitement that had plastered Da'Fen's face earlier had completely vanished as he joylessly continued the game, becoming more morose with each passing minute. At one point, the child stood near the fireplace and watched from across the room as his mother looked underneath the bed and squealed, “I found you,” and reached excitedly for nothing. 

The memory was no longer happy because Da'Fen knew exactly where his mother would find him and exactly where she would hide. Solas grimaced at the understanding that even his young son realized that nothing could be done inside of a memory to change its course of actions. 

The once happy memory now stimulated feelings of hurt for the boy, as his mother was so full of life and smiling while Da'Fen became sadder by the minute. Elessa's continued happiness now felt like an insulting slap in the face, and her child now bawled uncontrollably from a corner as he continued to watch the memory play before him. 

Seeing his son's pain hurt Solas as well. He might as well have been looking into a mirror. He was all too familiar with what Da'Fen was experiencing, as he had been grappling with the same issues over the past few days. Once again, Solas' heart ached, and he wished that there was something that he could do for his son.

In his grief, Da'Fen made a motion with his hand and everything familiar disappeared. The child was suddenly engulfed by a sea of dead grass, and his back was slumped against the trunk of a hollowed out, dead tree at the crest of a small hill. Settled below the hill, a dense, thick fog of familiar green tint pervaded the rest of the area and stretched endlessly. 

The only area visible above the immense green haze was the tiny island on which Da'Fen cried in despair - his head hung low and cradled between his small arms. The sight was one of the most heart-wrenching and depressing things that Solas had ever witnessed in the fade, and it was too much for any parent to bear.

With the wave of his hand, Solas replaced the entire landscape. The tree supporting Da'Fen was suddenly green and lush, and stretched out gloriously, as if it had grown undisturbed for hundreds of years. Similar trees dotted the landscape as far as the eye could see, and in place of the dead grass was a beautiful sea of green spotted with wildflowers of all different colors. The lush foliage was set against a brilliant, blue sky with puffy white clouds rolling end over end in the distance. 

Da'Fen continued to bellow, oblivious to the magnificence surrounding him, until he was interrupted by a soft nudge against his shoulder. He looked up to see a massive black wolf whose face was almost the size of his entire body. Though the boy was briefly stunned in amazement, he was still overwhelmingly sad. 

In stubborn defiance, Da'Fen tucked his head once again between his knees and stayed in that position as the wolf began to whine softly. After a few minutes of whining and being ignored by his son, Solas finally nudged him again, only this time hard enough to knock the boy over on his side. 

This time Da'Fen stared rebelliously into the wolf's blue-grey eyes and questioned, “Are you my father?” In response, the wolf nudged him again, only this time putting his nose to the boy's stomach, where he knew his son was ticklish. As Da'Fen rolled around and began to giggle, Solas licked his face, leaving his entire head drenched with saliva. 

The boy continued to laugh and roll around in the grass as Solas pawed him gently. Finally Da'Fen was feeling better and transformed into a fluffy, white wolf cub. He promptly jumped up and tried to pounce on the older wolf's head only to slide down the side of his muzzle and land on his back on the soft ground, where Solas continued to paw him playfully.

Once Da'Fen was on his feet, his father bolted through the beautiful field of wildflowers. It didn't take long for the cub to pursue, and as the two ran swiftly through the lush vegetation, an overabundance of bright yellow pollen was released effortlessly through the air and carried away by the wind. 

The two wolves ran carefree across the terrain for what felt like hours, stopping periodically to play with each other or roll around on the ground together. The elder wolf accompanied his cub until Da'Fen finally woke up the next morning, full of energy and excited to tell Cullen and Cassandra all about his adventures in the fade. 

Though Solas had initiated the activities out of desperation to help his son get through his anguish, he realized that he had needed it just as much as Da'Fen. As Solas blinked away the last remnants of sleep and welcomed the scent of elfroot and jasmine, he began to feel as if he no longer needed to suffer alone. 

Da'Fen needed guidance, and Solas needed purpose, and perhaps with each others' assistance, father and son could support each other through this difficult time. If they were lucky, they might even form an unbreakable bond in the process. Though he knew that there would be plenty of trials ahead, Solas felt quite content in the moment.

He smiled and wondered what the rest of the day would have in store. He was once again looking forward to spending time with Da'Fen and began to wonder how long he should wait before revealing his true identity to his son. Should he ask Cassandra or Cullen for advice?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Thank you so much for the comments. Your continued support means a lot and keeps me encouraged. As always, I will update whenever I'm able, and I am open to suggestions for future chapters.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first attempt at writing anything sad or tragic. Thank you for all of the support and comments. It is greatly appreciated. ;)


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